One of the most oft challenges I’ve dealt with as a leader is the ol’ “work/life balance” conundrum. Most recently and perfectly articulated to me as “how to shake the endless guilt that builds up as we attempt to advance our careers?” Uff da. I’ve failed and succeeded with getting that balance right many times, especially after becoming a mother. It’s a bullshit phrase though, and if you catch yourself using it, it’s the first sign of trouble.
“Work/Life Balance” is presented as an equation of work over life. On the surface, this makes sense for many reasons. Number one: you likely spend the most consecutive number of hours in a day working. Two: you work hard, enjoy it, have dreams to fulfill and lives to impact and/or #3 money to make, which of course, supports that other half of the equation: life. The problem is that unless your ideal scenario is 84 hours a week working and 84 hours for everything else in your life, imbalance is, in fact, the heart of the equation. Do the math.
Now I understand the balance referenced in the caca phrase isn’t literal, that it’s metaphorizing the mental space required to maintain a busy life; balance is compared to standing on a balance ball, or if you’re my age, a Pogo Ball. But that’s the thing with this exercise, you’re always shifting your weight. You may be able to stand for a while with your knee bent toward life, but at some point, work calls back and you’re recalibrating. Work may even become more of where your time goes for a while, depending on what’s piled up on your plate after giving life extra space.
“Ok, Katie,” my imaginary friend counters. “What about balance metaphors like keeping all the plates spinning, juggling several balls, or crossing a balance beam?” Oh you mean strongly and gracefully walking across a narrow beam 4 million feet in the air on your tippy toes balancing the weight of the world on you shoulders and failure results plummeting to your death?! Or that dropping one plate or one ball will result in the things you love the most shattering to the ground? Yeah, those sound exactly like the calm I’m trying to manifest. Namas-fucking-te
Words matter. All these phrases describe stressful, unstable, unfair situations that all end in you crashing. What I think we’re talking about when we say work/life balance is the mental weight at the crossroads of your priorities. You want to love your people, achieve your goals, feel healthy, and have a little bit of time to yourself. I bet I can guess the order in which these get neglected.
If you’re asking questions about balance, my guess is you’re giving too much and gaining too little. We’ve all been there. When you give and give and give, and then you’re empty and no one is filling you up. You know what happens? The well starts to dry, you become an un-well. Many of us wait to be refilled, despite knowing we will run dry again. The secret, of course, is to dig deep, unearthing the water from within.
Work/life balance is maintained in the choices you make. You set boundaries, make decisions, and choose actions. It’s a power both overwhelming and simple. Overwhelming because duh, and simple because you do it all day long.
Our days are filled with decisions, many of which have become habits that streamline our lives and provide comfort. Every night, I set the coffee to autobrew to streamline the time it takes from waking to that first sip, my daily moment of comfort. Some habits can turn against us though. After that first sip, I open my phone and check my email, a habit I know isn’t good for me and often talk about stopping but never do haven’t tried yet (words matter). It’s become part of the ritual and only I can change it by making a simple choice to do something different. To open my book instead. To walk the dog. Hell, to have two sips of coffee before I open my email.
The bigger decisions are more complex, of course. Choosing between staying late to finish an important project or being home before dinner are heavy. Each one needs your attention and at times, each will have to sacrifice. When it feels like you no longer have a choice, or that either one will result in guilt, a habit has turned on you. You are thinking of your priorities as against each other, one vs. the other. You’re doing that work/life balance bullshit.
It is ok to put work first. You are an example to your family of hard work, commitment, and dedication to your dreams. It is ok to put family first. You are an example to your coworkers of care, boundaries, and honoring priorities. If you feel as if neither of these are true, question your authority and ask if you need to recalibrate. Start with your daily choices and if those lead to bigger questions, congratulations, you’re in a mid-life crisis! Just kidding… sorta. I encourage you to have conversations with your people – loved ones, your boss, friends, or colleagues. And if you need a coach, you know where to find me.
Ms. Coaching 